It’s semantics. Maybe my chubbness can’t understand the extreme level of fidelity it takes to shred. (<–and i don’t think i’m even using that term correctly).
But the desserts, pastries and pastas are not a deviation. I’m not cheating on anything! It’s what I eat. And I’ve gone without them for a while. But I’ve not yet arrived at the permanent dismissal of those foods.
I’ll take full responsibility that I also haven’t reached my ideal weight, muscle definition and endurance level. So that should tell you more about my lack of [fill in what I need more of] and that I’m a real live work in progress.
The word “cheat” also doesn’t sit well with me. But we throw it around casually with the alleged understanding that we were oh-so-faithful to the healthy menu to begin with. It’s a tongue-in-cheek expression but it’s glorifying unfaithfulness in relationships that doesn’t align with wellness.
And, not for nothin’, but I wasn’t that healthy and definitely not that committed to excluding gourmet frozen popcorn and cinnamon melts to begin with.
Okay, so the main idea is that I (and you may join me) could do a better job about managing and sustaining a clean diet. But there doesn’t need to be a cheat meal. Either I eat clean or I don’t. And when I don’t, it’s not because I need a way out of this imaginary commitment. It’s because I need more training and practice on what I should be doing to bring me closer to my goals.
Clarity is key if I’m really going to move forward. It’s not a cheat meal because that’s how I was eating the entire time. What I’m really working on is finding foods that will satisfy those cravings and ultimately “break up” with the processed sugars, carbs, caffeine altogether.
Until then, getting more sleep, getting more active will impact and change my menu. And I won’t be cheating! I’ll be changing! 🙂
Bible study breakfast: homemade bread pudding, couscous salad, banana bread. All made by the sweet church ladies who have been married for more than 30 years and cook up a storm with one hand tied behind their back.
Filipino ministry lunch: complete with rice, chicken adobo, Filipino spaghetti and chicken sesame ginger salad.
Evening pie fellowship to celebrate the new couple who got married over the weekend.
I used to blame the carbs, the free creamers and coffee and all the scrumptious food made with love. I was 127lbs when I walked through those church doors. Now I click up and down the breezeway at 144.
I want to blame everything else, including my hysterectomy and the bitter secret that no one tells you that you will crave every sweet thing during your first year after the surgery. I want to blame the near-master chefs who put together the event dinners and holiday spreads for the bigger waistline and oversized sweaters.
I want to blame church for making me fat.
But that’s not true. It’s my fear that made me this way.
I was so scared to bend, reach, twist after my recovery. And even up to one year after I finished treatment. I had to admit that I had a mental block about working my core. And that I indulged all too willingly in those processed foods.
I have no big solutions in this post other than the process of taking responsibility for the small choices I should have tended to and that I overlooked the important decisions on meal choices. My “spiraling” has probably stopped but now I have to pick myself up and own up to what I left out during my recovery. I even felt entitled to reach for sweets/ processed foods because of “everything I had been through.” (Pity pastries, that’s what I call them. Hmph.)
Thank you for going through this journey with me, which seems to have a series of new beginnings. This one involves how I stop kidding myself. 🙂
Until next time,